What Does Terror Feel Like?

July 21, 2018 

When Tom first began being harassed by the IRS years and years ago, it was very scary.  They always managed to send threatening notices right before holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas.  It would pretty much ruin the holiday for both of us because Tom would go into full on defensive mode and start going through all of his papers to make sure everything was in order and to decide how best to respond.  It was truly awful.

Back then, each time I would panic and start fearing that at any moment someone in law enforcement would come pound down our door and drag us away in handcuffs and seize all of our belongings.  I'm convinced that this was their plan.  They rule by terror and intimidation and I'm quite sure it works most of the time.

After years and years of those tactics and nothing really happening, I became kind of immune to the terror.  I just went on with my day like nothing happened and Tom didn't panic and rush to respond.  He knew what to do, he was prepared.  He did what was necessary and that was the end of it.

I thought I knew what fear was back then.   Let me tell you, now that I've experienced it, I know what I didn't know back then.  And that is, I didn't know what terror was.

I couldn't have imagined what it feels like to be indicted for a crime.  Maybe if I had actually done something illegal, I would have been expecting it and wouldn't be all that shocked that I now had to pay the piper.  Or, maybe not.  Maybe guilty people don't expect to be caught.  Anyway, I'm quite sure that I have never experienced this level of stress in my life.  And, I've had some stress, let me tell you, not the least of which was having my father die of electrocution in the crawlspace under my bedroom at the age of 12.

The minute my husband uttered the words and I incredulously asked for confirmation, "me?  they indicted ME?" my stomach started roiling and heaving.  The stress, the adrenaline, or whatever it was just hit me like a mac truck and it stayed that way for a full 24 hours, except for some stretches of time that I was able to distract myself with work around the house.  Even though I was still thinking about it, something about being up and doing kept the monster at bay just enough so that I could function.

Things I don't know about prison:  do they provide gluten free meals (for when I'm able to eat without heaving)?  is it cold (when I'm cold at night, my hips hurt and I can't sleep)?  can I get a naproxen when my hips hurt?  can I have my pillow that supports my neck when I sleep?  are there prison pajamas or do you just wear the same prison garb day and night?  is there any privacy, or is the toilet really right there in the cell on display for anybody walking by or your cell mate?  what about showers?  can I have my can of dry shampoo in my cell?  can I have my makeup in my cell?  will someone steal my things if I have anything?

How in the world did Martha Stewart survive?

July 25, 2021

These things, when viewed from a criminal's point of view, or that of people in third world countries or worn torn countries who don't even have comfort and things like make-up, special pillows, and special (life-saving) diets may seem trivial, silly, even.  But from the point of view of a law abiding American who has grown up enjoying America's special brand of freedom and comfort, contemplating having that freedom forcibly taken away is no small thing.

And, yes, the make-up and pillows ARE trivial in the scheme of things.  There are many more important things at stake.  Not the least of which, why is our government doing things like this? Why are they terrorizing citizens?  What do they have to hide?  How can one human being do this to another human being?  Because these are human beings perpetrating this evil.